fiyah.

i used to chill in dumont everyyy singgllee weekend at my boy mikes house. itd be a few of us jus sittin around drinkin like fishes, puffin like dragons, bein mesmerized by the music visualizations on the big screen, laughin, fightin, & jus having a grreat time.

i have no idea how we survived all of those nights.. we would get so unnecessarily FUCKED UP.

well one day.. it was a lil chilly in there so i had my jacket on wit my hood up & everythang. i put a cigarette in my mouth grabbed the lighter & lit it. you know when people fuck with the lighter to make the flame huge? i mean HUGE. ok well this asshole luke so did that. i was like whooaa.

then i realized my forehead was kinda hot. 'guys. . . is my fur on fire?' 'OMG! ANDREA YOUR HOODS ON FIRE!' im still madd slow cuz im so fucked up im like 'ooohh shiiit' ::starts hittin self in forehead madd hard like d'oh! d'oh! d'oh!::

i burned the middle of my fur trim completely off & some hairs. it smelled soooooo bad like a turd covered in burnt hair. everyone was panicking but we were all laughin like crazy. & my friend craig runs & gets me a wet paper towel to soothe the pain. i even had some tiny tiny lil blisters on my forehead.

pahahaha. aren't i so cute? LOL.

consider me miles davis.

i live in a town named bogota.. where there are 4 bars [with 5 others very near by] & multiple liquor stores found within a square mile.. yep my towns a square mile big.. well small.

the most popular bar in our town is the good ol 101 found on 101 queen anne rd. you are sure to run into anybody from our town there that you havent seen in 8 years. reunion central. its the place no one really wants to be at but we all have somethin in us that makes us go back.

it's sad to say, that place was a second home to me for a whilllleee.. im talkin 6 outta 7 days a week you could find me drinkin my paycheck & life away at that bar. no joke.

every thursday is karaoke. i must say im def an MVP there. not that im good.. but damn i am goooood. haha. i suck.. but it's entertaining. whether you're laughing with or at me. i dont give a fuck.. i make the people smile. & if not im pissing them off & that makes me smile. so i win either way.

so with that all being said you could guess i feel very comfortable with myself there.

anyways, one routine thursday night at my haven, im there chatting at the bar with somebody & i realize its 1 a.m. & think to myself then immediately out loud 'wow its 1 & i still havent broken the seal yet.. i dont even feel like i have to pee but i def should cuz i been drinkin a lottttt so thats not normal. excuse me.' so i go knock on the ladies room door. of course somebodys in there. whatever tho right.. i wait for a minute.. 2 minutes.. 3 minutes.. 4 MINUTES! ::knock knock knock:: hello?? this bitch did not wanna come out the bathroom.

suddenly it hits me.. wow i REALLY gotta fuckin piss. this chick is not comin out anytime soon.. some guy comes out the mens room. me doin the pee pee dance-'is anybody in there?' dude-'nah' me-'yesssss!!'. i haul ass into the guys room... get in the only stall [note: the locks broken but thats okay with me].. go to unbutton my pants but surprise surprise.. im drunk! so this simple task causes a great struggle especially since its crunch time. im trying so hard to hold in the pints but so ready to let it loose & this button was in my way. & there it stayed & i jus started peeing.

so there i am.. stuck in the mens room. pee on my jeans. drunk. i jus sat there thinkin to myself like 'fuck!! wat do i do now? well the lights should be comin on soon.. ill jus wait till everyone leaves.. yeah thats a good idea.' haha

but of course 2 seconds after my master plannin.. some dude walks into the bathroom.. i can see him & he could kinda see me as the door is broken.. & hes like 'is that a chick in there?' 'yessss' 'andrea is that you?' 'yessss' 'wat r u doin' 'i peed my pants' 'haha omg well i want to help but idk what i can do' 'im jus gonna stay in here' 'HAHA ok' but before he leaves ANOTHER guy walks in. 'is there a girl in here' 'yeah its andrea she has a problem haha' 'yeah i peed my pants leave me alone' 'WOW that suckss'.. as theyre leaving i think 'let me try & dry my pants with the hand dryer.'

i have a tube top on & pull it down to make myself a nice lil classy slut dress. of course another dude walks in as hes walkin in.. another guy outside says 'whoa is there a girl in there with no pants on nicee' & walks in. so soon enough theres about 5-6 dudes in there. & theyre all 'trying to help me out'. it was like in something about mary when he gets his balls stuck in his zipper & the events have to be retold multiple times to way too many people.

some guy peein at the urinal overhears & says 'wanna wear my pants?' 'um what? no thats weird' 'are you sure? jus tryin to help.. i dont care u can jus have them.. jus give em to my boy another night its not a big deal.. as long as i get my belt at the end of the night' 'umm well thanx thats awesome! but wat are u gonna wear?' 'fuck it my boxers who cares its the 101'

so i put the dudes jeans on, pull the belt as tight as i could, & prepare myself to face the crowd as of course everyone in the bar knows ive been in there for a long time [plus i have to tell everyone wat happened anyways as i obviously have man jeans on]

i get out there. i cant stop laughing. everyones laughing at me saying 'only you.. only you'..

then i guess the girlfriend of the dude who lent me his jeans caught some feelings over it. 'um excuse me but you kno he wants those back by the end of the night thanks' 'um one no need for the attitude with me second he told me i could keep them for now.. ill give him his belt back tonight.. thanks' 'uuuhh.. watever!'

then moments after my girl christina drags me on stage & makes me sing 'let's talk about sex' with them. & i even made out with somebody at the end of the night [who later became my boyfriend & then the psycho ex you all get the luxury of hearing stories about]. my life is a-w-e-s-o-m-e.

santa gave me the creeps.

so, when i was little i could never comprehend the idea that a fat jolly white guy was goin to sneak into everybodys house and get around the whole world in one night, satisfyin every child's christmas wishes. i didnt have any clue why this was ok with everybody. like that seriously jus meant it was easy for someone to break into your house.
so one christmas, i was about six & i was walkin down the hallway.. starin down at my feet like always.. i look up & who else is it but santas fat ass standin there with a bike.. he didnt look very charming at all.. looked a lot like my uncle's friend *hint hint*.. i ran my ass back down the hall & locked myself in my brothers room.
i sat on the floor & played with (& probably ate some) play-doh until he left.
idk am i really that weird for that? no not the play-doh thing but am i really wrong for being scared of santa???

ugliest girl on facebook

so in college.. i went to ramapo in mahwah nj.. i lived in a suite with 5 other chicks. plus one who was an honorary suitemate cuz she was there all the time. i had a boyfriend at the time who went to school at lehigh in pa & roomed with one of my best friends being that my bf was also one of my good friends..we had grown up together.

one day.. im sittin in mah dorm.. my bf calls me like omg go on the computer i need to show you the ugliest girl on facebook that goes to school with us. theyre both over there cracking up. im like alright watever. this was back wen fb was a little less private & was jus for college students. you could see almost anyones page.

so i go to the link & im like OMG this chick looks like the mask.. NO not jim carey! im talking about rocky fuckin dennis.. so i start dieingg laughin & im like HOLY SHIT! GUYS COME HERE!! YOU GOTTA SEE THIS SHIT! UGLIEST GIRL ON FACEBOOK!




the first person to run over was my girl chrissy.. she looks at the picture & is like haha thats my cousin.. i start dieinggg laughing cuz thats a funny joke.. by this time everyone else has run over & is laughing tooo

& shes like NO seriously guys THAT IS MY COUSIN! PAHAHAHA... & shes laughin & were all still dieing `she obvs got the bad genes but yeah that is so my cousin i swear she goes to lehigh im gonna show you guys i have pictures of her'

we were all dieing like omggg im soo sorry but she didnt care pulled out an album & showed us family pix LOLLLL

we couldnt get over it.. & we even went on to make a` jodi[thats her name]' calender & puttin it up in our lil lounge pahahaha..



good times.