adults aka grown-downs.

this new 'hilarious' trend of grown ass adults embarrassing their children on the internet or elsewhere is pissing me off.

public humiliation will NOT mold your kid into a better human. you should have paid attention to what u were exposing your child to BEFORE they became unruly drug snortin slut brats.

all you're doing is adding to the years of neglect you've already bestowed upon them, which in turn will cause them to retaliate even more but instead this time, they will be sure you dont find out. these kids will never open up to you or respect you.

congratulations, you have created the most pathetic form of bullying... this is NOT discipline.. & now you're daughter's blowing dudes in the back staircase at school because she has extreme daddy issues. good job.

paraíso drunko

in the summer of `08 my whole family went to mexico for my little cousin's sweet 16. we stayed at the iberostar paraiso lindo for a week....... all inclusive = hammer time.

shit was GRRREAT.. all my drunk ass cousins in the pool yelling & shit.. i swear we were the loudest family there smh.. dinners.. dancing... karaoke.. partying & bullshit

we'd go to the lil club there that played the same songs in the same exact order every night... this consisted of: lollipop//wayne, dirrty//xtina, two step//unk, t-pain, jim jones, e-40, dont stop the music//rihanna, & of course..... the cupid shuffle... which would be performed by all the crunk dancing mexicans that work there aka "the iberostar friends"

well one day my cousin veronica wasn't really feeling well.. so when we get to the club.. instead of gettin her usual fix of Caipirinhas... she starts taking madd shots... of... tequila?!?!!? im like wtf i thought u were sick & said u weren't gonna drink ?? smh i took a few wit her but stayed on the longer road to manglation city wit beers & mixed drinks..

anyways everytime we were at the club (did i mention the club was decked out with star wars shit including life sized troopers?)... we'd chill wit these kids from staten island cuz they were STUPID as hell.. we would all be doin dumbass dances in the middle of the floor and shit.. no one else was as crazy as all us... we are all FUCKED UP.. all these kids are on some fuckin E pills & who the fuck knows what other shit.. i cant even remember wat they told us.. so the mexis kick us out the club as usual at close.. always the last ones there smh.. we all start walkin around the resorts.. we showed them ours then they showed us theirs... no not sexually.. they were stayin at a different one.. its like 3 or 5 different resorts there that are all connected.. we wanted to compare pools & shit.. we jump in with all our clothes on then get yelled at by some mexicano on a bike that was lurking in the shadows..

by this time my cuzin is completely SHITFACED... shes trying to con a bunch of security chulos to give her a ride to her room on one of their little carts.. im sitting on a pool chair jus relaxing as if the sun was out.. i look over and she is laying on the floor, circled by the ese's yelling 'PLEASEE JUS TAKE ME TO MY ROOOMMM.. ESTOY MANGLEDDD POR FAVORRRR.. ANDREA!! COME ONNNNN LETS GOOOOOO!' & me & this dude were just LAUGHING hysterically at her.. i was like hell nah im not riding wit them we can walk.. we here her yelling 'NOW NOWWWW!!' then she disappears into the night...

suddenly im awakened by little laughs.. its bright as fuck out!! im STILL on a damn beach chair.. one of the kids is passed out next to me & hes wakin up too.. we look at eachother like WAT THE FUCK *remy voice*... then get up pick up some of our shit off the floor & start walking.. first of all since im at the other resort.. i have NO CLUE which way i was sposed to go.. i hadda take a damn hike to get back to my room.. same slutty clothes as the night before.. lookin like a straight ASSHOLE...got bug bites the size of silver fuckin dollars... the most genuine walk of shame

finally a find my room.. all i wanna do is know what time it is.. take a piss.. & brush my teeth...

it's 7 a.m.

i hurry into the bathroom... & what is waiting for me there??

if you guessed a sink FULL to the top of chunky puke.. DING DING DING! unfortunately you are correct... thanks veronica. love you.

i dont cruise control.. i booze control

few summers back i went on a cruise with about 50 people from my family & brought my 2 best friends along (kristina & jess).

costa maya,mexico=top 5 drunkest days of my life.

we get to the island around 9-10 am & we each immediately grab yard long drinks. jess got a mojito & me & booty go with the triple margarita. we get out the bar & realize the POOL IS A BAR. swim up bar FTW!!! are we in heaven?

we jump in with our drinks make our way across the pool & take our seats on some stools in the water. a little mexican man by the name of none other than Jose comes and takes our next order. we get another yard each. & some XX. only beer they really had.

so were drankin dancin swimmin.. mind u my familys here too but they are partyin & bullshit as well.

by this time..everytime we needed a drink..we would start a chant for our bartender.. sung to the tune of ole!ole ole ole!oleee!ole!!! & obviously substituting in his name : JOSE!! we had EVERYONE singin this shit.. he was lovin it..

so he comes over.. me - 'wats your strongest drink' jose-'the MEXICAN iced tea' my liver tells him-'WOOOO! i NEED one (well a few).. gimme that asap'

soooo after havin some more dranks here are my memories from the rest of the day: runnin out of the pool to piss and NOT makin it to the bathroom & jus jumpin back in the pool, my friends tryin to wake me up on the deck back on board, havin a fist fight with kristina, runnin around the boat lookin for some friends, then i woke up at 11 pm in a dark dark room.

i had noooo idea where my whole day went.. nor why we fought... wat the fuck happened.. where everyone was..

i look in the mirror & i am LEATHER tan. darkest i've ever been. wtfff. my forehead is BLACK as fuck.

we dont really talk for the remainder of the cruise becuz in my mind the fight was over the bar tab but i had no idea.

sooo about a week later we talk it out.. & this is what really happened after the blackout:

i drank about 5 or 6 of them long ass margaritas... 3 mexican ice teas.. & probably 3 or so beers.

i was in the pool grinding with this kid my friend made out with the day before in front of my whole family.. but they thought he was cute & they were lovin it o_O

i bought a drink for sum like 14 year old girl & her cool grandma lol

i slipped off a bar stool that i was dancing on & got all bruised & cut up

i ran into & broke a plastic table out of the floor

the bar tab was about $300

i refused to go back to our room becuz i wanted to hang out with my 'only friend' the dude i was dancing with.. well call him cuba.. on the deck

these dudes we hung out with saw me & cuba passed out on the deck.. my money & id on the floor around me.. they tried to wake me up said i was DEAD

kristina & jess came to get me cuz it was formal night for dinner & i hadda get ready for pictures.. i told them they werent my real friends

when i finally get back to the room.. we start arguing & i tell them 'you guys wouldnt be here if it wasnt for me.. i dont give a fuck about anyone but myself' lmao whatt?! then me & kristina start throwin down

my dad hears all this and comes over i run out the room start walkin around knockin on ppls we met doors.. then come back and pass out

i wasnt talkin to them cuz i thought they had tried to say i didnt put in what i needed for the tab but the reality was i was jus being a drunk assshole smh

jus so u can know how drunk we all were...wen my dad came into his room he found my mother naked on the bathroom floor trynna throw up making beast noises LOL

oh, mexico, you really know how to get under my skin & into my bloodstream.

d dubbya i.

u would think since they taught us not to drink & drive our whole educational career that we wouldn't, but they also showed us how to do algebra and i dont remember none of that shit...

i'm a lil reluctant to tweet about this cuz i don't know what the repercussions could be but um if i used to sit there tweetin about weed everyday then why should i censor myself now, right?

i should probably start with telling u guys that in 2008 i tried to stay sober for the whole month of april.. first read my very heartfelt short myspace [blog] about it....

so yeah i ended up failing HORRIBLY... and no not in the middle nor at the end of the month.. i started [well continued] drinkin ON APRIL FUCKIN 1ST... & i went to not 1.. not 2.. but 3 bars that night.. [thx megan] lol. i had a serious drinkin problem..some might think i still do but i really dont compared to my past...

sidenote: if i stuck to sobriety this month i woulda never caved in later this week and went on a date & started seeing the psycho asshole who is now my ex. fuck you alcohol!

well almost 2 weeks later me and my cousin decided to go out for some drankz as usual on a thursday night.. we went to the good ol 101 and had 2 drinks there then went to the cottage (which is another local bar we frequent) to meet up with douchebag...

my main problem when im drinkin is some nights it takes FOREVER for drinks to hit me so i will drink drink drink drink be completely sober at the bar.. walk out to go home & be FALLLLLLIIINNNNN *jim jones voice*

that was the case this night.. were sposed to go to one of douchebag's friends house afterwards.. my cuzin immediately takes the keys and says hell no you are not driving which was a good & bad idea. we shoulda just went the fuck home.

we wanted to go to cvs first.. instead of jus waitin for us first to follow him from there since im hammered & my cuzin is blind.. douchebag rather give us directions via celly.

well douchebag SUCKS at explaining simple directions cuz hes a retard so we jus pull over & wait for his friend to come get us so we could follow him..being that we were mangled.. we were blastinnn the music in the car... its about 2:30 am..

& here comes a tap on the window.. the cops pulled up behind us wit no lights we hadnt even seen em comin.. we look like complete drug addicts sittin in the car with madd empty water bottles thrown around eatin a box of nutri grain bars...

'license & registration please'

yeah so heres a little important fact. my cousin has NO license. & has a florida id. so he takes my license and goes back to his car.

his partner comes up & asks for my license again. im OBVIOUSLY hammered so these fucks are tryin to fuck with me.

'i just gave it to the other guy' 'no you didn't' 'ok well ill search my bag for it anyways'

being a drunk asshole.. i purposely turn my big ass purse upside down and dump EVERYTHING out all over the floor. there is madd shit & i start rummaging through all of it saying 'see its not here.. its not here'.

he picks up an id card & says 'do u make fake ids??'
i giggle 'no.'
'so wat is this??'
he flashes me this card---->
i laugh & say 'you dont know mclovin?'
'no'
me 'its from a movie.. u know.. chicka chicka yeahh'


he obviously didn't find that as funny as i did so he pulls us out of the car to give us field sobriety tests.. weeeee. not.

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

my cousins like screamin & cursin at them the whole time.. im just a mess.. they put us back in the car and act like they are going to let us off.. this happens a few times.. get out of the car.. get in the car.. get out the car.. they search the whole fuckin car to try & find something. obviously dont find shit.. get out the car.. get in the car.. blah blah blah.

one last get out of the car.. then they cuff us. awesome. they bring us to the station separately & i dont see my cousin from that point. interrogation. breathalyzer. holding cell. the whole shabang. its freeeeezing in there.. i have a tube top on.. & these assholes kept me cuffed behind my back the WHOLE time until around 6 am. like was that seriously necessary?

mind you its thursday.. so i hadda explain all this shit to my boss. being that i needed to come in a lil late. smh.

who gets a ticket for a dwi durin their sober month? thissss asshole.

in the end. my cousin hadda take the fall & plead guilty for the dwi. still payin fines till this day.

there coulda been so many things we couldve done to avoid it.. like take the keys out of the ignition. pretend one of us was cryin or some shit. jus not say any words to the cops period. not blast music in front of a house.. or not drink & drive at all lol.. but next time i ever get pulled over for some shit like that my lips are fuckin sealed till i speak to a lawyer. they twisted all of our words in their statement.

you would think i learned my lesson from it.. but im not gonna lie.. i still do drink & drive sometimes.. im jus a lil smarter about it.. [is that an oxymoron in a way? watever.]


but im tellin you its not fuckin worth it.. get a fuckin cab.. call somebody.. WALK.. if you're TOO fucked up jus stay away from the fuckin wheel.

blinded by joe white.

not trying to brag or nothing but i've been known to throw some sick beer-b-qs & jungle juice celebrations at my house in the past... every single one always ends with timeless stories.. but i'm about to tell you about one of my favorite nights which consisted of one of the most funny things i've probably ever witnessed.

again i live in a small ass town so our houses are close as shit..well i was havin a famous jungle juice party & we were all pretty fuckin hammered already. there wasn't toooo many people left by this time.. just the troopers.. we're playin flip cup & pong when i look over & see somebody sittin in my neighbors driveway...

i walked over & realize it is none other than my neighbor joe white..lives just about 3 houses away & is a CLASSIC bogota character.. i can't even begin to explain how entertaining this kid is.. you guys don't even understand..

so there is joe white sittin on the pavement.. taking off his pants..

me-'joe wtf are you doing??' joe-'wellllll i was gettin in from the bar & i hearddd some noiiisesss & decideddd to come on overr' me-'but why are you takin off your pants?!!?' joe-'cuz im here to party'

smh.

so he stumbles his way over to my fence, beer spilt all over his shirt, in his tighty whities, & starts tryin to climb over to the rest of us.

us-'why dont u jus walk around the house instead itll be much easier' joe-'no i got this its simple' us-'alright well carry you over' joe-'NO I GOT THIS guys i dont need help'

so he climbs up & is sittin there danglin his feet on our side.. jus like a 1 foot off the floor.. my fence aint high.. it's very easy to jump over but not when you're drunk..

we try to just easily bring him down but he still doesn't wanna any help.. smh so he's jus sittin there thennnnn BOOOOOM! this asshole falls FACE FIRST straight down onto my deck kicking out the crosses of the fence..

we are all like OMFG!!!! as he lies there lifeless... i swear i was in fuckin tearssss... just imagine seein this happen in front of you.. well you dont have to imagine to hard jus look at this shit

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PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

so then he finally gets up.. this dude's lip is BUSTED & he's ready for more alcohol.. blood all on his shit..

not only is he wanting more drinks but he's tryin to make out with every single girl there..

we hadda keep pullin him off of everyone smh..

but nobody could really be mad at him cuz seriously how can you be mad at this guy...



i love bogota.

operation smile.

from my 'ugliest girl on facebook' blog, you should have learned that i lived with 5 well 6 girls back at school.

one night, all of us were chillin... watchin tv.. probably watchin makin the band 3 cuz we were obsessed with that show. a commercial break comes on & we're all too lazy to change it.. chitchatting when suddenly the mood changed. a commercial for operation smile came on & we were all glued to the tv.. it was like 7 minutes long... 7 minutes of somber music, heartbreaking images, & mind fucking questions... i swear i think some of us started crying. if you aren't aware of this organization.. here's one of their short commercials that will definitely make you feel what we felt that night... happy birthday.

"holy shit that was the saddest thing i've ever seen" "OMG we so need to donate to this organization." "we're friggin poor what can we do?!?" "IDK" "we need to do something" "let's like save our change & donate at the end of the semester!" "yeahhh! we could go around & get donations too" "u think people will believe us??" "they fuckin better" "we can use this empty water thingy"

so we write OPERATION SMILE with a huge smiley face on the container & fill it up with whatever change we had. we then proceed to go down our halls & start knockin door to door.

"oh so you guys are part of this on campus?" we lie "yeah yeah" "kool here's a $1"

people were actually giving us money! we were ecstatic.

so weeks of this goes by.. savin pennies... gettin out there & collecting.. & business was good. we were so proud of ourselves.

sidenote: who's in/been to college? brokest & hungriest days of your life huh? well they were for us.. so we were proud & surprised we had raised as much as we did.

back to the story.. well there we all are again... watchin tv.. jokin around.. "i'm so hungry let's go to the cafeteria!!" "nah mann its closeed!" "ughhh"

then another breed of commercial comes on.... you know.. these kind.. -> meatnormous.

all of us are salivating. "dude we gotta go to fuckin BK lounge!" "yesss it looks so good ughh my tummy needs it" "were freakin broke!!"

. . . . . . . . "i wonder how much money we've raised for operation smile so far...it looks like a lot.. let's just count it & see."

so we're there countin quarters, dimes, nickels, & pennies to "pass the time".

we ended up havin about 45 bucks!

"ok what if we just used SOME of the money.. if we made this much we can def earn it back.." "yeah definitely" "lets fuckin go before it closes!"

we pile in the car & speed to BK... but no we don't order off the dollar menu.. we all needed to try the meatnormous or anythin else of such caliber.

"that'll be 37.56. next window please."

we pull up laughin hysterically becuz we're handing this lady an UNNECESSARY quantity of change. we're sittin there countin out nickels.. we musta been there for like 15-20 minutes passin handfuls to her...

luckily nobody else was asshole enough to NEED burger king to survive that night.

we gobbled our food.. then the guilt set it... but it was too funny to not laugh at. so we got over it.

i felt horrible about it sometimes looking back, but one day i was drinking an arizona green tea wit ginseng & honey [which is one of my faves] & i realize on the side in fineee print it says: 'arizona beverages donates 5% of net sales to operation smile.'

you know how much arizona ice tea i drink? a fuckin lot! so i think i've definitely gave at least MY share of it back through their donations. therefore, i sleep just a bit better at night. :)

don't judge me.

fiyah.

i used to chill in dumont everyyy singgllee weekend at my boy mikes house. itd be a few of us jus sittin around drinkin like fishes, puffin like dragons, bein mesmerized by the music visualizations on the big screen, laughin, fightin, & jus having a grreat time.

i have no idea how we survived all of those nights.. we would get so unnecessarily FUCKED UP.

well one day.. it was a lil chilly in there so i had my jacket on wit my hood up & everythang. i put a cigarette in my mouth grabbed the lighter & lit it. you know when people fuck with the lighter to make the flame huge? i mean HUGE. ok well this asshole luke so did that. i was like whooaa.

then i realized my forehead was kinda hot. 'guys. . . is my fur on fire?' 'OMG! ANDREA YOUR HOODS ON FIRE!' im still madd slow cuz im so fucked up im like 'ooohh shiiit' ::starts hittin self in forehead madd hard like d'oh! d'oh! d'oh!::

i burned the middle of my fur trim completely off & some hairs. it smelled soooooo bad like a turd covered in burnt hair. everyone was panicking but we were all laughin like crazy. & my friend craig runs & gets me a wet paper towel to soothe the pain. i even had some tiny tiny lil blisters on my forehead.

pahahaha. aren't i so cute? LOL.